By Katie Elin-Salt, a re-blog from Spotlight.com
Did you know that in any given rehearsal room at any given time you are never more than 6 feet away from:
A rat
A gluten free vanilla soy macchiato
Someone emphatically proclaiming that they "don’t date bloody actors!"
Listen, I get it. Most of us generally want a long-term relationship that is drama free - so why in McKellen's name would you actively choose a life partner who has quite literally got a career and possibly a degree in it? No thanks. Firm swipe left to you Mr Cumberbatch, I'll take Tony from HR with his annual leave and a pension, thank you very much. However, unfortunately for the love story of Tony and I, he doesn't exist. For the last 5 years, I have spent time both being an actor and adopting one as my actual live-in lover. Best find some upsides then. Sorry, Tony.
We have loads of free time for you
Ever woken up next to your S.O. on a Monday morning and desperately wished you could sack off the meetings and spend the whole day eating sausage rolls in your PJs? Well honey, you've come to the right bed! We aren't called to rehearsals till Friday. Wanna go on an impromptu Wednesday picnic? No problem-o. We will sack off the leafleting and butter up the sandwiches. Let's get the first off-peak train to Margate. Everyone knows you can't spell fun-employed without F.U.N.
We can give you free holidays *
*Holidays may include Halifax, Northampton and/or Crewe
"Yes, I know we've had that week in Majorca planned since 2014 and we are half way to the airport, but put that Mojito on ice, babe. I've just been cast as ‘tarty girl #6’ in a tour of care homes of Norwich! A-HA!"
There are times when being an actor takes you to places you never thought you'd go. And sometimes these places are towns that don't have train stations let alone a Pret-A-Manger. But we can have a lovely weekend exploring them together. Let's get drunk at a karaoke night and belt out "Life is a Cabaret" to the bemused locals. Let's go do the ghost walk in York. Let's eat all the oatcakes in Stoke-on-Trent. Let's climb Snowdon. Let's find a pub with no phone signal and worry about nothing except improving Scrabble tactics till Monday. And I promise that after a week of seeing no one but colleagues and the woman in the corner shop who sells us post show pot noodles at 11pm, we will ALWAYS be pleased to see you.
We are professional liars
Seriously. This is how mamma brings home the bacon, baby. On a stage. On the telly. We lie for an actual living. You may initially feel this to be a negative thing but before you make any snap decisions, let me just assure you that your mum is not as neurotic and annoying as you think she is. And yes, you still look like a wanton sex god/goddess in that penguin onesie. And dinner was absolutely delicious. And of course, I like your sister. Feeling reassured and pretty great about yourself right now? Thought so. That dress looks great on you by the way.
We are really good at role play
Back in 1994, The Backstreet Boys pleaded with bae to "quit playin' games with my heart.” But would they have been so quick to dismiss the idea if they had the opportunity to play the ZIP ZAP BOING GAME at a professional level with their thespian beau? I doubt it.
Ever had a secret burning desire to change from fire to ice on a Friday night? Fancy putting on a lion mask and going feral in the front room? Not batting an eyelid mate. There is literally nothing you can think of that is weirder than that thing we did week 4 of voice class at drama school. We are all over it and nothing says sexy like a full character analysis beforehand. Right?!
We will shatter your celeb envy
Ever turned on the TV for comfort on a hungover Sunday morning, only to find a perfect semblance of a human staring back at you with their beautifully formed visage beaming away like an angelic vision of everything you’re not?!
What if the person lying next to, sensing your insecurity, could lean over and whisper gently into your ear:
"That isn't her real nose ...”
“…he's been wearing a wig since 2002.”
“I once saw them at 3a.m. licking apple sours off the floor of Infernos...."
The media might lead you to believe that actors are a better, more toned, better smelling version of the everyman. We on the inside know this isn't true. However, if you step out on a Friday night with one of us on your arm, you can get all of that hard-earned fictitious glory without ever having to step foot in a contemporary dance class. Just don't expect us to pay for the drinks.
SWIPE RIGHT!
Katie Elin-Salt is one half of The 98% podcast. As well as some acting work she’s chuffed with Katie has also starred as Peppa Pig and Supergirl in various children's parties across the UK. She is a series regular of Judge Judy (playing 'person watching it on the sofa whilst once again not in the gym'.) Hear more from Katie by listening to The 98% wherever you get your podcasts and follow her on twitter @KatieElinSalt!